HOW
TO LOSE A FRIEND!!!.........HOW
TO LOSE A FRIEND!!!.........
and gain enemies......
16th April, 1996.
Dear Diary,
Oy Vey! did I make an idiot of my self or what??........*sigh*.......it all began like this...
As you know, I live in this HUGE PINK Victorian house, which has the most spectacular "conservatory," which Lord Ha Ha built for me...(he is SO clever!) ..it is an exact replica of the one in Pretoria, stained glass windows, cast-iron thingys and grass furniture.......which is falling apart...........well this wonderful place, "mit all de boobelas" is in constant demand by friends.....err......new and old...yes I do still have some of those! Well anyway, my friend of long standing, Mary, is getting married see......and I am not really in favour of her new proposed spouse-to-be. He is? UGH!........? funny......too old for her....and I hear he used to beat up his other wife?? Nu? the story.
She says to me, "Bev, I want to be married in your conservatory, with all the ferns and the frills." So ? I say yes of course.....never mind the work involved! Paint, clean, cook, on and on.........AND it falls during Pesach!!!! All weddings are strictly forbidden during this period.......never mind if you die or have a baby!!!!!!!!!!! TABOO!!! Oh well, I will have shiksa friends..............Also on a Saturday.!!!!!!
The day dawns...............for the bride, who slept over, I find grannies old dress........oy! For me? I find an ever older-than-granny-dress.........Mary, "looks to-die-for," and the hostess? the re-dye-job on the dress, left the lace in tatters.......I wear it anyway.
I was not too bad, till some-one suggested that I try apple juice with vodka.......it was getting hot, the guests looked like they had stepped out of "suburbia" ......mit PERMS??? and I get a bit "antsy?" when I see a "man with a collar" spouting all the flimflam about "marital bliss etc." When he gets to the part........"I now pronounce?" I make up to God, by asking the bridal pair to crunch a glass, and I then felt inspired to sing to them in Hebrew...................(I was still sipping my spiked apple juice at this stage).......you are not supposed to drink at weddings?
The Methodist minister left in a huff.............. Then! I discovered
an ooooooooold friend, and together we discovered a new alcoholic ? drink,
Cane and Apricot juice.......(since I never touch the devil's 
brew???????)................then
I had forgotten that I had invited a few of my old batty ladies, that 'I
look after'.......they drink Gin!!!!!!!! some are 80 plus etc.......and
drink like thirsty Camels!!!!!!!!
I then proceeded to dance 
with
my maid and gardener, (veddy odd for a White South African lady to do)
Rainbow nation and all that! this is when I told some of the "ladies"
to wash up as I was not the maid, despite my outfit! I also told some of
the guests to f*** off, when they wanted to see through my house, it is
not a museum, despite its size and broken down furniture!!!!!!!!!! my husband
could not be controlled, as he was laughing so much at me, I think........he
is also batty. He also never drinks!
He also keeps away from me when my "moods" get me.......'cos
no one is spared........Since it was not my wedding, but only in my home,
instead of saying no, as I should have, I said yes and reacted as such.
I also managed to embarrass ? not myself, but everyone else, on remarking
that the ring , stone, could not be seen without strong glasses ( I tend
to wear a disgusting array of diamonds!) also that the groom resembled
a bull dog..........
as I have a carrying voice, it happened as the room went quiet on two occasions!
I also forgot, to serve some of the fancy food, refused to cease talking during the speeches, and sang the songs at the top of my tuneless voice! Oh yes, I had made some Jewish food, which they ate like pigs!!!!!! not knowing what they were eating! Since pigs are taboo as well with "us" this caused my booming voice to be heard as well............I must admit, all in all the guests seemed to enjoy the "do", despite me.........the bride, who is an old friend, did not talk to me for a day or so.......
NOW she thinks its funny????????? Her new husband, whom I do not know, will never speak to me again, since he does resemble the bull dog, who wishes to speak to him???? I ask myself????let alone sleep with him???????? and such a tiny diamond! I told her from the beginning, I said, get a big stone and ear bobs to match....start right.....but would she listen? no. Now look what she has to live with???? maybe she can lose it? I had also loaned her my dead grandmothers dress, and when "in my cups" was telling my ooooold friend that my grandmother would turn in her grave, if she knew that a Shiksa was wearing her dress.
I'm quite sure, that if I were to be certified, they would say that I suffer from some form of inferiority complex?????or that I should simply be shot...........the more sacred....the more I react. My husband is no help at all, he says I am exactly like my dead grandmother, he met her......and she was bats! Form and Protocol, I try to remember it.
I'v lost the thread...........gotta go.............
*kisses*, bev
