On Being Jewish ............

.......and Jewish Humour

by Bev

To be a Jewish lioness in Africa...........? it is not easy..........it's the humour you see........when all the Jews have eventually left.....who will understand this ageing lioness?? As a Jewish mama......? vell.....it's not easy...we thrive on guilt.........we push guilt........have a look and I will try to explain....

Oy! is not a word; it is a vocabulary. It is uttered in as many ways as the utterer's histronic ability permits. It is a lament, a protest, a cry of dismay, a reflex of delight. But however sighed, cried, howled, or moaned, oy! is the most expressive and ubiquitous exclamation in Yiddish.

Oy is an expletive, an ejaculation, a threnody, a monologue. It may be employed to express anything from ecstacy to horror, depending on (a) the catharisis desired by the utterer, (b) the effect intended on the listener, (c) the protocol of affect that governs the intensity and duration of emotion required (by tradition) for the given occasion or crisis.

Oy is often used as lead-off for anything serious ( or non ), which means, literally, "woe", but is used as an all purpose ejaculation to express anything from trivial delight to abysmal woe..........best expressed when you throw up your hands in horror.....simultainously putting your apron over your face....

Now you know!

Oy!

A man called his mother in Florida. He said to his mother, "How are you doing?" She said, "Not to good. I've been very weak." The son then asked, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son then asked, "How come you haven't eaten in 38 days.?" She said, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food when you called."

Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,

My grandpa used to say.....if it wasn't for Jews.....................no one would worry!.....................hence I still suffer the conscience of the chosen race...worry worry ...worry..............wasn't it the rabbit in Alice who muttered this??? see ya...Oy !

Standard English Phrase ........Jewish English Phrase

(seldom ....do you get a straight answer from ...err my grandmother...)

He walks slowly........... Like a fly in the ointment he valks!

Excuse me, have you the time?.......... Vat do I look like, a clock?

I hope things turn out for the best...... You should BE so lucky! Anything can happen..... Nu? it can't get any vorse.

Which reminds me of my family..........EVERYBODY has a name or symbol......e.g

An uncle who eats a lot.............."de mout mit teeth!"

One who talks too much................"de clapela mout!"

Overdressed aunt............................."boobele mit de geldt!"

One who is deemed sexy....................."naufka from de Nile"

Who is poor........."de hands out?" (said with a lift of the eyebrow)

Who is hairy.........."de rug......not even Persian"

Who has badly fitting teeth...................."oy! de tuskers?" Me......................"gin gin"........(meaning red)

My husband............."de shiksa toy"

My son Barton............"rabbi gin"

My son Eaden junior ..........."boytjie"(forbidden in the religon)*
*to name a child after a relative who is living

As a general principle, Jewish holidays are divided between days on which you must starve and days on which you must overeat. Many Jews observe no fewer than 16 fasts throughout the Jewish year, based on the time-honoured principle that even if you are sure that you are ritually purified, you definitely aren't. Though there are many feasts and fasts, there are no holidays requiring light snacking. (Feel free to invent your own if you'd like)
Note: Unlike Christians, who simply attend church on special days (e.g. Ash Wednesday), on Jewish holidays most Jews take the whole day off. This is because Jews, for historical and personal reasons, are more stressed out. The Yo-Yo Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays Rosh Hashanah --

Feast Tzom Gedalia -- (Fast ).....Yom Kippur -- (More fasting Sukkot )-- Feast Hoshanah Rabbah -- (More feasting )......... Simchat Torah -----------(Keep feasting )...Month of Heshvan -- (No feasts or fasts for a whole month.) Get a grip on yourself.................. Hanukkah -- (Eat potato pancakes ).......... Tenth of Tevet -- (Do not eat potato pancakes) Tu B'Shevat -- (Feast ).......... Fast of Esther -- (Fast )........... Purim --( Eat pastry) ......... Passover -- (Do not eat pastry) ..............Shavuot --( Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes etc.) Seventeenth of Tammuz --Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes) Tish B'Av -- Very strict fast (don't even think about cheesecake or blintzes) Month of Elul --End of cycle. Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again.

The Night before Chanukah

'Twas the night before Chanukah, boychicks and maidels

Not a sound could be heard, not even the dreidels

The Menorah was set on the chimney, alight

In the kitchen, hot Bubba gechapt a bite

Salami, pastrami a glezele tay

And zoyereh pickles with bagels, oy vay!

Gezunt and geschmack, the kinderlach felt

While dreaming of taiglach and Chanukah gelt

The clock on the mantelpiece away was tickin'

And Bubba was having a shtickele chicken

A tumult arose like thousands of broches --

Santa had fallen and broken his toches.

I shot on my slippers- eins, tsvei, drei

While Bubba was now on the herring and rye

I grabbed for my bathrobe and buttoned my gotkes

While Bubba was busy devouring the latkes.

To the window I ran, and to my surprise

A little red yarmulke greeted my eyes.

Then he got to the door and saw the Menorah,

"Oy, Yiddishe kinder" he said, "Kain ein horeh,

I thought I was in a goyishe hoise.

But as long as I', here, I'll leave a few toys"

With wonder, I asked, "Du bist a Yid?"

"Avada - Mein nomen is Schloimoi Claus, kid"

"Come into the kitchen, I'll get you a dish,

A goppel, a messer, a shtickele fish"

With smacks of delight, he started his fressen,

Chopped liver, knaidlach and kreplach gegessen.

Along with his meal, he had a few schnapps;

When it came to eating, this boy was the tops.

He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt,

But they were so hot, he yelled "Oy Gevalt"

Unbuttoning his haizen he rose from the tisch,

And said, "Your Kosher essen is simply delish."

As he went to the door, he said "See you later.

I'll be back next Pesach, in time for the Seder".

More rapid than eagles, his prancers they came,

He whistled and shouted and called them by name;

"Now Izzy, now Morris, now Yitzchak, now Sammy,

Now Irving and Maxie, and Moishe and Mannie."

He gave a geshrei as he drove out of sight:

"Gooten Yontiv to all, and to all a good night."

More Jewish Humour .......

I come from a famous fighting family! - fonfed Mrs. Roger Donaldson. - My great-great-grandfather fought the rebels at Gettysburg. My great-grandfather fought the Germans at Verdun. My grandfather fought the Japs on Guadalcanal. And my father fought the North Koreans...- -" Mein Gott! "- exclaimed Mrs. Cooperman. - "Can't your people get along with anybody?! "-

Husband (on phone): Darling, I have good news. You know that play you've been dying to see? I just got two tickets! Wife: Ippy-pippy! I'll start dressing!
Husband: Good. They're for tomorrow night.

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An Englishman in New York stopped at a window in the middle of which stood one lone clock. The Englishman went inside. - He-llo! - he sang out. >From behind a curtain stepped a bearded man in a skullcap. - Would you please inspect this watch? - The Englishman worked at the strap. - Tell me whether it needs... - - Why are you asking me? - asked the bearded one. - Aren't you a jeweler? - - No. I'm a moyl. - - A what? - - A moyl. I make circumcisions. - - Good Lord! - exclaimed the Englishman. - But why do you have a clock in your window?! - - Mister, - sighed the moyl, - what would you put in the window? -

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Your health comes first - you can always hang yourself later.

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Q: How can you tell the gefilte fish from all the other fish in the sea?

A: It's the one swimming around with the little carrot on its back!

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Did you know that when Avraham Avinu was pleading with God, saying "I am but dust and ashes," his little old 286 computer was davening right alongside of him also? It was saying, "I am but DOS and ASCII..."

Avraham then wanted to upgrade his PC to Windows '95. Yitzchak was incredulous. "Abba," he said, "you can't run Windows '95 on your old, slow 286! Everybody knows that you need at least a fast 486 with a minimum of 16 megs of memory in order multitask effectively with Windows '95."

But Avraham, the man of faith, gazed calmly at his son and replied, "God will provide the RAM, my son."

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Congregation Agudath Israel Of Monsey

To address simultaneously two long standing problems in the orthodox community, the lack of decorum and the lack of funds, our synagogue is pleased to provide you with the following schedule of unacceptable behavior and fines for violations:

BEHAVIOR FINES Sleeping during the Rabbi's Drosha ----------------------------- $ 36 Surcharge for snoring ----------------------------------------------- 54 Checking watch during Drosha, Rabbi facing your direction ---- 72 Cinspicuously reading unrelated Sefer during Drosha ------------ 180 Drosha longer than Davening --------------------------------------- 270 Announcements longer than Davening ----------------------------- 360 Leaving lollipop stick on carpet ------------------------------------- 18 Leaving lollipop stick on carpet, candy still attached -------------- 54 Finish Amidah after Rabbi ------------------------------------------- 72 Duchening - socks not fresh ---------------------------------------- 180 Duchening - no socks ----------------------------------------------- 360 Starting the wave ---------------------------------------------------- 900 Removing the good stuff before throwing the candy bag -------- 36 Harmonizing with Baal Tefillah off key ---------------------------- 36 Singing with Baal Tefillah, different melody ----------------------- 54 Complaining about the air-conditioning, non-member ------------ 180 Taking seat of person called to Torah ------------------------------ 72 Taking seat of Rabbi during Drosha ------------------------------- 360 (Fine waived if Drosha is longer than 30 minutes) Nudging Gabbi for Aliyah within 5 years of last Aliyah ----------- 36 Kicking person out of your seat (arrival during Mussaf) ---------- 90 Surcharge if evictee uses cane -------------------------------------- 90 Surcharge if evictee uses walker ----------------------------------- 180 Saving seat for someone coming during Mussaf ------------------ 90 Saving a seat for someone you know is not coming -------------- 180 Talking ---------------------------------------------------------------- 36 Talking Lashon Hora ------------------------------------------------- 54 Talking Lashon Hora, person two seats away can't hear ---------- 90 Remaining in Shul with crying baby First minute ----------------------------------------------------------- 54 Next 60 minutes ------------------------------------------------------ 72 Kol Nidre surcharge -------------------------------------------------- 36 Communicating with spouse across the mechitza Hand signals ----------------------------------------------------------- 18 Shouting --------------------------------------------------------------- 36 Smoke signals (Shabbos) --------------------------------------------- 54 Placing Tallis in bag before end of davening ------------------------ 36 Placing someone else's Tallis in your bag --------------------------- 54 Leaving lipstick imprint on suddur ----------------------------------- 54 Leaving lipstick imprint on siddur, men's section ------------------ 108 Having a child bring in coat before Aleinu 1 coat ----------------------------------------------------------------- Free 2-4 coats -------------------------------------------------------------- 36 Wrong coat ----------------------------------------------------------- 54 Wrong child ----------------------------------------------------------- 72

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Ethel

It was near the end of the Yom Kippur services, when the ram's horn is blown to signify the arrival of a new year. Ethel, a spinster, was mad about the young cantor. She devoured him with her eyes. She bathed in the air he breathed. Her obsession was overwhelming.

When the services ended, the cantor divested himself of his silken prayer shawl. When he turned away, Ethel grabbed the shawl and hid it under her dress. As she started to walk out, the rabbi came over and said, "Give back the prayer shawl."

"What prayer shawl?"

"Ethel, I saw you take it. It's under your dress. Put it back."

Caught red-handed, Ethel raised her dress to get out the shawl she'd tucked into her panties. Because she was nervous, she was unable to control herself and let out a little flatulence. The rabbi said, "And while you're at it, give us back the ram's horn too!"

John Holland Wrote: The real difference is seen at weddings. At an Orthodox wedding, the bride's mother is pregnant. At a Conservative wedding, the bride is pregnant. At a Reformed wedding, the rabbi is pregnant.

This ain't necessarily so. The real real difference may be seen in the response to a rabbinical ruling outlawing smoking on the basis of pikuah nefesh [saving a life].

Reform Jews would ignore the ruling and go on smoking as the ruling is not binding upon them. Conservative Jews would stop smoking, but only at home. Orthodox Jews would sell their lungs to goyim.

link to the .......OFFICIAL JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCESS..page.oy!

clinkin' here darlink'

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