Approaching other trichsters

This subject comes up from time-to-time on the remailers. People see a
someone they suspect to be a fellow TTMers, and have great anxiety about
whether or not to approach them. We all seem to feel the same on this
subject!

This was my 2nd letter to someone in this situation, who noticed a
possible fellow-TTMer on a subway. Since she was not working up the
nerve to talk to the lady, she was also trying to decide whether she
should just write a note. Before she got the chance, the subway
stopped, and the lady got off the train.

This was my reply.

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I would try not to feel too bad - you will have your 'plan of attack'
better formed next time. Or maybe the time after that. Or maybe the time
after that. :-) 

I actually really like your idea of writing a note and handing it to
her. That would actually be the easiest on both people. Or, we could all
make a point to have 2 or 3 little TLC brochures in our purse, and if we
chicken out - then we could just hand that to them. 

I had tried to think of a 'plan of attack' before, when this came up on
the other remailer. So far, I still haven't had the opportunity to try
it. 

But, I don't know why reaching out to someone still fills me with fear
just thinking about it? Why is that still 'more' scary than telling my
hair dresser and massage therapist? Well, partly because 'approaching'
people is hard for most people in any situation, and approaching someone
and giving them 'intense' news is incredibly hard, even if the end
outcome could have good results. 

I guess with the brochure, if you don't have time to have a
conversation, you can be relatively sure they will get the basics - the
name of the disease, the name address phone and website for TLC, and the
fact that there IS some help out htere. But of course, with a note or
the Brochure, there is also a small chance they won't read it. If you
talk to them, there is a chance they will stop you and not listen. 

Below is what I wrote about 6 months ago? Re-reading it, I don't know if
I could actually it either now. I think I AM going to xerex a couple of
the TLC brochures and put them in my purse. 

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I have done similar in similar situations in the past. Partly from fear,
not knowing if it was ttm, not wanting to offend them if they were just
regularly balding, not knowing the correct way to proceed, not wanting
talk about myself, not wanting to intrude, indecision, and the the
moment and opportunity is gone. Later, I have always regretted it. 

I would like to tell you that since going to the TLC retreat, I have
felt new strength from being able to talk openly with other ttm
sufferers. I had decided that when those situations came up again, I
would do something. I have thought long and hard on the way I would
broach the subject without making them uncomfortable or invading their
privacy. 

I decided AGAINST starting any conversation with any sentence/ question
referencing the other person, ie: "I noticed that you don't have any
eyelashes too ..." "You might like to know that what you have is called
something ..." "Do you pull your hair like I do?". 

No one wants to be put on the spot and asked questions, let alone in a
public place by a perfect stranger. 

Instead, I decided for myself, that I would briefly talk about myself
and offer to share info: "I know you don't know me, but I would like to
tell you that I pull out my hair. For years I thought I was alone, but I
have found that there are millions of Americans who do this, and there
are places to go for help and comfort. If you would like to know more, I
would be happy to answer any questions that I can." 

So, the idea is to give them the ability to ask questions instead of
having to answer them. 
Put myself on the spot instead of them. After all, the idea of talking
to them in the first place would be to help them get the same help I
did! 
I did talk to my massage therapist about my ttm, knowing that she has
seen my scalp in the past, and probably thought I had cancer or
something. She is going to put some brochures in her office! 

I haven't run into anyone yet that I thought was a fellow ttm'er since
the retreat - so we'll see if I get up my nerve and resolve when the
time 
comes! I hope I do! 

Hope this helps 

Pam 
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