Care of the soul
Credit Sue Price for notes - TLC Conference Session
"Care of the Soul" TLC Retreat Talk by
Claudia Miles, MFT
**(If you don't already know what TLC is, it is the Trichotillomania
Learning Center - and the only Not-for Profit Association for
Trichotillomania. Their Website is www.trich.org. They have encouraged
me and others to post and distribute our notes from the TLC Retreat
sessions, in order to help as many people as possible!) I recommend that
you look through their site ... the Calendar section lists events and
Support Groups (who know they may be in your area).
**This was originally an email sent to me from a remailer - so these are
Sue P's notes from a Session at the recent TLC Retreat, (Sept '02).
Hope this Helps!
Pam
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"Care of the Soul"
TLC Retreat Talk by
Claudia Miles, MFT
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Here are my notes from the "Care of the Soul" talk given by Claudia
Miles, MFT at TLC Retreat 2002.
This talk was inspired by the book of the same name by Thomas Moore. It
was billed as discussing what recovery means over the long haul.
Claudia is a therapist who pulled for 25 years, and except for one short
relapse, has been pull free since 1989.
Early on, she went off on a tangent when a woman arrived a little late
and apologized to Claudia. Then she apologized to the people who moved
their chairs to widen the circle for her. Claudia asked her if she
apologized a lot, and the woman said yes. So Claudia talked a bit about
what constant apologizing is about: it's from a fear of disappointing or
angering others. But it's also a way to avoid having to face others'
feelings, because you don't give them a chance to express their
feelings.
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Back to the main talk:
The essence of recovery is loving yourself in spite of your
imperfections.
She views trich as an addiction. Like alcoholism, it can be a
progressive disorder -- becomes a problem over time. Also like
alcoholism, there may be a genetic component, our body chemistry may be
a factor, yet people CAN and do stop.
She was able to stop pulling by using the 12 Steps. Some people have a
problem with the concept of turning it over to a Higher Power, but she
said the important thing is the belief that stopping is possible,
whether you want to put it in terms of a Higher Power or not. Also, the
One Day at a Time concept is very important. Pulling is short term
gratification, leading to long term pain. We need other ways to get
comfort and love.
What's the point if I've pulled already? As she's said, TTM knows every
trick to get you to pull, and to keep pulling. The TTM is going to be
telling you that it doesn't matter and that you don't care if you keep
going. You MUST be ready with a response to that. Because you know that
it DOES matter and you DO care if you let a little pulling escalate into
pulling a lot.
Assess your mistakes, but don't berate yourself. (this advice applies
not just to pulling)
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Various quotes from Claudia:
"What other people think of me is none of my business."
"This is your life. This is IT. Life doesn't start when you stop
pulling."
"It is not your fault you have trich, but it is your responsibility to
do something about it."
"Be present in your life, take care of yourself."
"Pulling is a substitute for intimacy."
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She had a handout "Exercises for Trichsters" that she didn't go over in
the session (it was on a table in the dining hall for anyone to take.)
It's consistent with concepts she did mention in the session so I'll
copy my favorites here:
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Repeat this 3 times a day:
"This Morning/ Evening/ Afternoon:
I commit to being as conscious as possible about whether or not I am
pulling.
I commit to remembering, to the best of my ability, that recovery is
IMPORTANT to me, and I do care.
I commit to remembering, to the best of my ability, that pulling even
ONE less hair DOES make a difference.
I commit to loving myself, whether I pull or not."
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The One-Minute Method: At any time that you become conscious of your
pulling, before or during, find a clock and tell yourself that you will
not pull for one minute, after which time you can go ahead and do so,
WITHOUT beating yourself up. Do this as often as possible for a week or
two, and see if you can work up to two minutes. Keep increasing by one
minute, every two weeks, and eventually you'll make it to 20-30 minutes.
By this time, you may feel the urge has passed and even forget about
pulling. If not, then you've made it 30 minutes. Congratulations!
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Choice: Each time you pull, ask yourself, Do I really want to be doing
this?
If you decide to pull, you MUST answer "yes".
The answer might be yes nearly every time, for months at a time, but
eventually you will have some "no's". The point of this is to start
ingraining in your conscious mind the idea that you are choosing to
pull. Once this idea is ingrained, and you can acknowledge that you are,
indeed, choosing to pull, this will give you the freedom NOT to pull. It
probably won't happen early on, but eventually you'll begin to believe
you have a choice, which it rarely feels like for those of us with TTM.
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